[ he should be appreciative of her. appreciative of the moment he has for the armor to fall into place. but if he was, it would mean an acknowledgement, in this moment, of his own failings and the need for the armor at all. the fact that even an idea of it still has some part of his stomach curling, even when he knows it's inej. it is inej, who he knows has been dressing his wounds, helping him heal. inej, of all people, who shouldn't-
but kaz doesn't acknowledge it in this moment.
( maybe for a later time, maybe for a time where he can actually unpack that self hatred and unrecognized unhealthy coping he's been feeding himself for years. )
instead, he watches her speak to him, hearing the words but seeing her more. how she stands, with just enough space between them, unassuming and nonthreatening. he hates himself a bit in that moment, knowing she has to handle him, but he pushes through it. the suli pulls him out of his head, then - natural, easy. he doesn't know suli, doesn't think he ever will, but the language sounds right coming from inej. ]
You don't need to fix anything. [ but the words don't have any of the earlier mire behind them, none of the growing armor, or cold protection. he doesn't know what to do with the guilt inej is obviously still carrying, feeling something in him want to fix it but not needing to. not wanting her to. the image of her bleeding out on the docs, before they'd even gotten to the ship, swirls through his vision before he shakes his head - once - as if to clear it.
this is ridiculous. he was being ridiculous. and that feeling of knowing his reaction wasn't necessary crawled over his skin. with another breath, kaz caught inej's eyes - a single moment where he tried to find any proof that she would actually back down from this idea - before he gently set his cane down on the desk beside him, reaching down to slowly unwork the buttons on his leather armor he'd woken up in. ]
no subject
but kaz doesn't acknowledge it in this moment.
( maybe for a later time, maybe for a time where he can actually unpack that self hatred and unrecognized unhealthy coping he's been feeding himself for years. )
instead, he watches her speak to him, hearing the words but seeing her more. how she stands, with just enough space between them, unassuming and nonthreatening. he hates himself a bit in that moment, knowing she has to handle him, but he pushes through it. the suli pulls him out of his head, then - natural, easy. he doesn't know suli, doesn't think he ever will, but the language sounds right coming from inej. ]
You don't need to fix anything. [ but the words don't have any of the earlier mire behind them, none of the growing armor, or cold protection. he doesn't know what to do with the guilt inej is obviously still carrying, feeling something in him want to fix it but not needing to. not wanting her to. the image of her bleeding out on the docs, before they'd even gotten to the ship, swirls through his vision before he shakes his head - once - as if to clear it.
this is ridiculous. he was being ridiculous. and that feeling of knowing his reaction wasn't necessary crawled over his skin. with another breath, kaz caught inej's eyes - a single moment where he tried to find any proof that she would actually back down from this idea - before he gently set his cane down on the desk beside him, reaching down to slowly unwork the buttons on his leather armor he'd woken up in. ]