[ the second question is a lot harder to answer, because inej isn't really sure what the answer is. losing him is always a possibility, but the more terrifying reality is losing herself. or whatever she is supposed to be. figuring that out has been difficult, in the midst of everything that is going on, and inej is certain that she needs to leave, and be free. but what does that mean, in the bigger picture? certainly not abandoning everything she has built, but also cutting ties, to a certain extent. to learn who she is, and reclaim her own life.
how she does that, after the ice court, after van eck's betrayal, after kaz, is a hard thing to figure out. but: ]
I saw him at the Menagerie. But he was not there to . . . participate. [ it's the most delicate word inej can think of to describe what happened, there, without going into detail. ] He was there to argue with Haleen over... something that Haskell had asked him to do. But I remember he looked like he would rather be any other place in the world than there. And I remember thinking that I could leave with him, or I could die there. So I followed him out of the room, and he did not hear me coming. And I asked him to take me with him. -- or, begged is probably the better word.
[ in retrospect, it had been a foolish thing to do, but it paid off in the end. mostly because it was kaz brekker inej had grabbed the arm of in the menagerie, and not any other barrel scum. ]
We had a conversation. It was brief, he asked if I was a dancer. I told him I was an acrobat, before coming here. He gave me a warning about begging anyone in the Barrel to do anything for free. And then he left.
[ she runs her fingers over the fabric in her lap. ]
But he came back. With a contract. He showed me how Haleen was adding to my debt. How I was never going to be able to get out from underneath the slaver's bid. She was charging me for food, bedding, laundry. Pain and suffering. And how all of the suffering I had endured had amounted to nothing. And he told me that he could buy out that contract, but I would be indebted to the Dregs. But it would be fair, and the amount would not change. And I would be able to pay it off, in the end. So I signed, and never looked back.
[ there's a silence, after that. ]
He did not have to come back, but he did. He could have left me there to rot, but he chose not to., And he acts as if he has no heart, but I know that is not true. He chose to ask Pere Haskell for the money to free me, and I know how much grief that earned him, until I could prove I was worth the investment. He did that, for me, without knowing who I was.
[ telling the story, though, does make her feel slightly less off-kilter, and off-balanced. and inej, finally, opens her eyes to look across the room. ]
And I am not sure what I am afraid of, or what I am nervous of, but I know that something is about to change. And I want to be able to honor all of you, and him, without losing myself in the process. I am just not sure how to do that. Or if I am overcomplicating it by thinking about it at all.
no subject
how she does that, after the ice court, after van eck's betrayal, after kaz, is a hard thing to figure out. but: ]
I saw him at the Menagerie. But he was not there to . . . participate. [ it's the most delicate word inej can think of to describe what happened, there, without going into detail. ] He was there to argue with Haleen over... something that Haskell had asked him to do. But I remember he looked like he would rather be any other place in the world than there. And I remember thinking that I could leave with him, or I could die there. So I followed him out of the room, and he did not hear me coming. And I asked him to take me with him. -- or, begged is probably the better word.
[ in retrospect, it had been a foolish thing to do, but it paid off in the end. mostly because it was kaz brekker inej had grabbed the arm of in the menagerie, and not any other barrel scum. ]
We had a conversation. It was brief, he asked if I was a dancer. I told him I was an acrobat, before coming here. He gave me a warning about begging anyone in the Barrel to do anything for free. And then he left.
[ she runs her fingers over the fabric in her lap. ]
But he came back. With a contract. He showed me how Haleen was adding to my debt. How I was never going to be able to get out from underneath the slaver's bid. She was charging me for food, bedding, laundry. Pain and suffering. And how all of the suffering I had endured had amounted to nothing. And he told me that he could buy out that contract, but I would be indebted to the Dregs. But it would be fair, and the amount would not change. And I would be able to pay it off, in the end. So I signed, and never looked back.
[ there's a silence, after that. ]
He did not have to come back, but he did. He could have left me there to rot, but he chose not to., And he acts as if he has no heart, but I know that is not true. He chose to ask Pere Haskell for the money to free me, and I know how much grief that earned him, until I could prove I was worth the investment. He did that, for me, without knowing who I was.
[ telling the story, though, does make her feel slightly less off-kilter, and off-balanced. and inej, finally, opens her eyes to look across the room. ]
And I am not sure what I am afraid of, or what I am nervous of, but I know that something is about to change. And I want to be able to honor all of you, and him, without losing myself in the process. I am just not sure how to do that. Or if I am overcomplicating it by thinking about it at all.